It is hard to believe that I have made it all the way to my fifties without having a true Friend. I know that sounds weird but it is true, now don’t get me wrong I have had the privilege of meeting some great people on my journey of life. People that I have laughed, cried and shared some secrets with But none that I have been able to let see all of me. Now, I can be honest and say I have some challenges with trust but it is with good reason – I have shared things with people that I thought were my friends and my secrets were repeated or brought back up to me in a judgmental tone that if I had to admit, really hurt so I became a little closed off.
But as I get older and look back over my life I have always been alone. I feel that I am nice, people say that I am nice but I just never had the knack of having or being a lifelong friend that I yearn for. I was the youngest of a large family but there was a big gap between myself and the next child so by the time I came along my oldest brother was going off of the army and my older sister who was 14 or 15 was stuck babysitting me. When my siblings began having kids I was 6 years older than my niece, I was kind of stuck in the middle. My brothers and sisters didn’t include me and neither does my nieces or nephews.
I have never attended a high school reunion or college homecoming because I never really had anyone that I wanted to see or who wanted to see me. I just amazingly floated thru both of these significant times of my life alone without any real friends. It is hard to explain, I had people that I hung out with, for example, in college, free of my parents watchful eye, it was not uncommon for me to be in my dorm room on Friday and Saturday nights watching TV. There were not any “girlfriends” that asked me to go to a party with them or hangout. Sometimes and even today, I feel invisible. Like no one really sees me. I remember working at this office for a couple of years and it was a group of ladies that I would eat lunch with and actually go out for drinks after work from time to time. Then on Mondays, I would hear them talking about what their weekends “together” poolside, shopping, double dates and to dig the dagger in further their social media posts of all the fun but never called me. Of course, I was invited to somethings but not the intimate “girlfriend” events and I had to come to the realization that they did not see me that way.
I was a single Mom and to be honest my daughter was the person that knew the most about me but now she has her own family and our multiple phone conversations have been reduced drastically. I truly understand, it is an adjustment of being a new mom and living with another adult. It has just brought back my loneliness for a friend.
When I see people that have longtime high school or college friends that is truly amazing to me that there could be another person that will always be there to share your joys, pains, tears, will be a shoulder to lean on but most importantly never judge your thoughts or actions and accepts you with all your bumps and bruises that is like a magic trick to mem, because it is so hard to imagine. I watch movies and television shows about friendships and sometime I imagine myself being and having a friend.
I know I have God to always be there to guide me but it would be nice to have a person right here on earth that I can truly call best friend.